Finding Your Pack Without Losing Yourself, ADHD Awareness Month, part two: connection with others

In the post ADHD Awareness Month – “A Community of Support & Connection” I wrote about connection with ourselves: what’s happening in our mind, our body and our emotions, and how those three talk to each other. This week I’m turning outwards. How do we connect with other people and keep hold of ourselves while we do it?

For many of us, connection has come with a cost. We learned to read the room before we’d taken our coat off. We laughed at the right moments, held back the tangent, and waited for a gap in the conversation that never came. We got good at fitting in, and we got tired from it.

So when we find people who seem to understand, it can feel like coming home. Sometimes it is. But community doesn’t come in one shape.

For some, it’s a big group: an online community with thousands of members, a support group, a busy WhatsApp chat. For others, it’s one friend who gets it, a parent at the school gate who nods without needing the backstory, or a colleague who says “me too” at exactly the right moment.

Venturing Out

Recently I went to my second gathering in a Cotswold village: an informal meet-up of adults diagnosed with ADHD and/or autism, many of us with neurodivergent children too.

The first time, I went to hear a talk. The person who gave it is now going to be a guest on the podcast.

The second time, I was welcomed with such warmth, as though I was an old friend.

When I arrived, the woman who gathers the group was talking about her lavender. She’d gathered it, dried it and put it into little sachets. She puts them in her daughter’s school bag for her to sniff when she needs some calm, and she gives them to friends as little favours. Then she reached into her bag and gave me one. “Here’s one for you.”

I carry it in my coat pocket. When I’m rushing out or in the middle of something, I stick my hand in my pocket, smell it and put it back. A lovely little act of friendship and kindness, and a brilliant top tip.

The evening was wonderful. With all our neurospicy, tingly senses, the connection and flow of conversation was beautiful. Really engaged, deep, active listening.

Several stories were shared that the whole group ended up focusing on. They were deep and painful experiences, both physical and emotional. And yet the atmosphere stayed light, positive and incredibly accepting. There was no fixing to be had.

Reflection on the Instant Connection

Reflecting on it since, there was a shared experience of pain around that table, in many different guises. And there was joy.

What happens to connections like that afterwards?

Often, as neurodivergent people, we can make deep and instant connections. And those connections can be held in lots of different ways.

Object impermanence can mean out of sight, out of mind. Something else can quickly occupy our thoughts, and people get forgotten about without anyone meaning to. Or we connect a lot, all at once, and then stop.

None of that means the connection wasn’t real.

Friendships are the foundation of community, and gatherings like this are where they can be forged. Maybe that’s part of why the lavender means so much to me. Every time I put my hand in my pocket, it brings that evening, and her kindness, back to mind.

This ADHD Awareness Month, the theme is A Community of Connection. For me, that looked like a table of people listening deeply, and a little sachet of lavender that keeps them in mind.

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Hi,  I’m Diana, host of Even The Dog Has ADHD.

I’m building a Heathrow Airport for neurodivergent life: somewhere to arrive, find your bearings and choose where you want to go next.

Have a look around the website  listen to a guest episode or find another journal entry to take you down a rabbit hole. Come back whenever something else captures your interest.

And if you’re looking for one-to-one support on your neurodivergent journey, have a look at what we could do together in a Mapmaking session.